Photo credit: tim caynes via Visualhunt / CC BY-NC
Among our many hang-ups with public speaking is that we make value judgments about the feelings and energy we experience when we give or think about giving a speech. When we think of speaking, many of us assign words like ‘bad’, ‘scared’, ‘crappy’, or ‘terrible’ to ourselves as individuals instead of to the negative energy flowing through our bodies and brains.
This sort of value-stamping leads to some pretty degrading self-talk:
“My heart’s pounding, and I’m still weeks away from the speech. What’s wrong with me?”
“I’m such a terrible speaker, I’m actually feeling shaky. Come on, get a grip.”
“I’m smart, I know my job, this shouldn’t be hard for me.”
“I’m experienced, I’m successful, I’ve got a lot of clout, why do I feel like this? I’m a complete phony.”
“God, I can already feel my face flushing, I’m going to be as red as a beet up there. I’m an embarrassment.”
“I won’t remember a thing, everyone will know how nervous I am, they’ll think I’m an awful speaker. I am an awful speaker.”
Hands up if any of the above sounds familiar to you.
Those are all examples of value judgments. The experience of nervousness and anxiety in relation to speaking or presenting leads to value statements about yourself as an individual or as a competent professional. It’s incredibly cruel self-talk, and I come across it with nearly every person I work with.
Not sure what I’m talking about? Here are all those sentences again with the self worth or value judgments in bold:
“My heart’s pounding, and I’m still weeks away from the speech. What’s wrong with me?”
“I’m such a terrible speaker, I’m actually feeling shaky. Come on, get a grip.”
“I’m smart, I know my job, this shouldn’t be hard for me.”
“I’m experienced, I’m successful, I’ve got a lot of clout, why do I feel like this? I’m a complete phony.”
“God, I can already feel my face flushing, I’m going to be as red as a beet up there. I’m an embarrassment.”
“I won’t remember a thing, everyone will know how nervous I am, they’ll think I’m an awful speaker. I am an awful speaker.”
Value judgments about our experiences are – unsurprisingly – not only unhelpful but untrue. While you might not want to feel a certain way when you speak or present, the fact that you do feel that way is absolutely no reflection on your value as a person.
This may seem trite – of course we know that giving a less-than-perfect presentation doesn’t make someone a bad person. Yet we still tell ourselves these things, and they still affect our sense of personal worth and esteem. What’s worse is that they compound the anxiety and nervousness and poor public speaking that leads to the value judgments to begin with?
So how can you stop this spiraling negative chatter? By redirecting the comments and re-labeling the experience.
When I’m working with people who are improving their speaking skills, I don’t allow them to tell me things like “I’m a crappy speaker,” or “see, I suck at this” or “I always embarrass myself.” The instant I start to hear those words form (and trust me, you can see them coming a mile away), I cut them off mid-sentence and have them rephrase it so the statement is objective assessment of their experience rather than a subjective assessment of their personal worth.
So “I’m a crappy speaker” becomes “I am feeling apprehensive.” “I always embarrass myself” becomes “I feel nervous when I speak.” “I forget what I want to say and I look like an idiot” becomes “I sometimes forget parts of my talk, so I’ll make really clear speaker notes to help me through.”
The truth about public speaking is that most people experience some kind of nervousness when they do it – even the big shots can get the jitters when they get on stage. There is nothing wrong with feeling nervous. Stammering a little doesn’t mean you aren’t a powerful person. Forgetting part of your talk doesn’t make you any less competent at your job. Don’t let that scared, unreasonable part of your brain tell you otherwise.
To effectively re-direct negative self talk and re-label your experience, try the following:
When you are feeling nervous or anxious about a talk, give a name and a label to the way you are feeling instead of to you as a person. If you are feeling nervous or anxious, don’t say “I’m a terrible speaker” – that is a value judgement that labels you instead of your feeling. Instead, say “I feel anxious about public speaking.”
Next, openly acknowledge your experience and your feelings in the most boring way possible. No catastrophizing. Are you nervous? Just say “I’m nervous when I speak.”
Then stop. Don’t move on to the value judgments. Don’t turn “I’m nervous” to “I’m nervous and I shouldn’t be nervous, what’s wrong with me?” Acknowledge the feeling of nervousness and stop there.
Next, think of strategic ways to help you through the presentation. Do you tend to go blank when presenting? Instead of telling yourself “I always forget everything, I suck at this,” say “I might forget part of my talk, but I can bring really clear notes to help me if that happens.” Now you have an objective statement of something that might happen (forgetting a chunk of your talk) and a strategy for handling it (clear, simple speaker notes). You’ve objectively identified a potential problem and a solution, instead of subjectively making value statements about your personal worth.
At some point we all fall into the trap of cruel self-talk. But we don’t have to – we can fight that urge and turn unhelpful value judgments into productive, objective self-assessment and strategic thinking. The next time you are beating yourself up for being a “terrible speaker,” identify what you are feeling for what it is – a feeling. Nothing more, nothing less. Then think of ways you can help yourself handle that feeling and get through the presentation. Objective assessment, strategic thinking.
Being a nervous speaker doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t make you an incompetent manager. It doesn’t make you weak. Don’t let your lizard brain tell you otherwise, and don’t beat yourself up about it.
