There’s conflict in the office, trouble in paradise…who should apologize first, and how?
Today we’re going to tackle a dilemma you’ve probably faced yourself: whether you should be the first to apologize…and how to do it without losing face. This question is from Edward, who writes:
Hi Lauren, enjoying your videos. I have a question – during a recent meeting, I got into an argument with another director. We often butt heads in the office, but I’m usually good at keeping myself contained. But at this meeting I snapped as this person was attacking the actions of one of my direct reports. I defended my direct report and had a few choice words to this manager about them interfering in my department and trying to run the show. Our CEO had to call a break and the rest of the meeting was tense and unproductive. The other director has been sulking ever since, and our CEO has told me to “fix this.”
I don’t think I was wrong to defend my team, especially as their actions were appropriate. The other director was out of line, especially in bringing this up in front of everyone during a director’s meeting. If anything, they should be the one to apologize to me.
What do I do? Apologize first? I don’t want to seem like a pushover, but I doubt that the other director will step up to the plate, and this has already dragged on for too long.
Thanks for your help,
Edward
Well, Edward has certainly gotten himself into a pickle here. On one hand, he blew up at a co-worker. On the other hand, he wasn’t the only person involved, and it shouldn’t be all on him to take the fall. What does one do in a situation like this? Who apologizes first?
You can check out my answer to Edward and my recommendations for issuing such an apology in my latest Communication Q&A video. You can either watch it below or click here to watch it directly on YouTube. Please remember to click “like” on that video – it really does help my channel out!
If you’d like my handy guide and template for putting together a good workplace apology, head over to this page, fill in your details, and I’ll send it straight to your inbox!
Prefer to read rather than watch? Scroll down for the full transcript.
Full Transcript
There’s conflict in the office, trouble in paradise…who should apologize first, and how?
(intro sequence)
Hello everyone, welcome to Communication Q&A – my name is Lauren Sergy and today we’re going to tackle a dilemma you’ve probably faced yourself: whether you should be the first to apologize…and how to do it without losing face. This question is from Edward, who writes:
QUESTION
Hi Lauren, enjoying your videos. I have a question – during a recent meeting, I got into an argument with another director. We often butt heads in the office, but I’m usually good at keeping myself contained. But at this meeting I snapped as this person was attacking the actions of one of my direct reports. I defended my direct report and had a few choice words to this manager about them interfering in my department and trying to run the show. Our CEO had to call a break and the rest of the meeting was tense and unproductive. The other director has been sulking ever since, and our CEO has told me to “fix this.”
I don’t think I was wrong to defend my team, especially as their actions were appropriate. The other director was out of line, especially in bringing this up in front of everyone during a director’s meeting. If anything, they should be the one to apologize to me.
What do I do? Apologize first? I don’t want to seem like a pushover, but I doubt that the other director will step up to the plate, and this has already dragged on for too long.
Thanks for your help,
Edward
ANSWER
Woof, Edward, this is an unpleasant situation and I do have some suggestions for how to approach this.
But before I get into the suggestions, I need to be clear: based on your question, I’m assuming the issue is not involving a serious breech of behaviour like racism, harassment, or corporate wrong-doing. This sounds like those bog-standard interpersonal conflicts that are common in the workplace and that’s what I’m basing my recommendations on.
Now just because a conflict is ‘bog standard’ doesn’t mean that it can’t cause real damage. So let’s dig in.
I strongly recommend that you be the first to apologize. You said that you don’t think you should have to be the first to apologize…or even apologize at all. But even if you shouldn’t have to be the first to say “sorry”, there are tactical reasons for you to do so.
One, there’s strategic advantage; apologizing first allows you to set the tone and focus of the conversation. This can help you direct people’s attention away from the pettier details of the conflict and towards the bigger issue that needs resolving.
Two, apologizing first can be a good reputation maneuver. It helps give the impression that you’re the sort of person who isn’t afraid of apologizing, that you don’t let your pride get in the way of your judgement. It demonstrates that you have the awareness and willingness to step up and take responsibility for when you’re at fault. This can increase people’s trust in you and their desire to communicate with you in the future – they’ll see you as being more reasonable then they would had you waited to apologize. This can have a ripple effect beyond the person you’re apologizing to – even if the apology is given in private, word tends to get around in most workplaces.
Third, it’s good for you, for the relationship, and for the conversation. When there’s conflict, apologizing helps you move the conversation along so you can make meaningful progress on the conflict at hand. Digging in and taking the view of “I’ll apologize if they apologize” just allows the problem to fester. Being willing to swallow the frog and give a sincere but strategic apology can help you resolve the issue and come out of it looking like bigger person. Especially if you are the one to do it first.
Unfortunately, our pride or feelings of hurt can really get in the way. So when faced with the sticky issue of being the first to say ‘sorry’, I have my clients take this approach:
First, ask yourself: What matters more – making progress or being right? If being right honestly matters more (and sometimes it does), then hold off on the apologize. But if you’re trying to make progress on a problem, then be willing to apologize first and quickly for the sake of coming to a solution.
Next, identify the action that you want to apologize for. In the situation you described, you believe that your views and position on the issue are correct – assuming that’s the case, you shouldn’t apologize for your views, but you can sincerely apologize for hollering at your co-worker about them.
Then, make a simple, straightforward apology that focuses on and takes responsibility for that action. Don’t try to justify or explain it away, because that waters down the apology. Keep it short. There’s no need for self-flagellation or grovelling. You don’t need to diminish yourself in order to make a good, sincere apology.
Finally, offer a solution for moving forward. The point is to be able to resume the conversation and make progress on the actual problem, so come up with a plan for how you’ll do that and share that plan with the person you’re apologizing to.
Here’s an example for how this all comes together. One of my clients, a senior leader at a big company, had gotten into a heated argument with someone that ended in a shouting match. Both my client and the other leader were involved in the yelling – there was no clear person instigator. My client felt strongly that he was in the right with his views; he didn’t want to apologize, and felt – just like you do – that if anything, the other person should apologize to him.
He also knew full well that there was no way the other person would step up to the apology plate. But if no one apologized, resentment would stay at a constant simmer and the issue they were fighting about wouldn’t get resolved.
My client was also worried about how this would look for him, as well as for company leadership in general. Some people heard all the yelling, and word had gotten around that there was tension among the senior leaders. My client needed to get out in front of this problem and curb any rumours from starting up – basically, control the conversation about the blow-up. Even though this apology would be given privately to the other person, it would be a good show for others to see him and the other VP working well together after that fight.
We developed a simple apology that focused on my clients problematic actions without him backing down from his position. “I’m sorry I lost my temper the other day – I shouldn’t have started shouting and won’t do that again. I care about ABC a lot, and I know you do too. Let’s set up another meeting specifically to discuss ABC. It might help if we bring in Anne to weigh in as a third party. I know she has some insights and can help keep the conversation on the level.”
It was short and sweet and had all the right elements: recognizing and taking responsibility for his actions, guiding the focus of the conversation, then offering a suggestion for how they can move forward with the issue. Simple, to the point, with no unnecessary self-effacement or grovelling.
This type of apology would likely work well for you, too. Apologize for snapping (and perhaps for a specific thing you said) – such as “John, I’m sorry I called you an imperialistic goon at Thursday’s meeting. It was inappropriate. I care a great deal about my team and got carried away.”
Simple, specific to the problematic action, and takes responsibility for your part in the fight without backing down from your position.
Then, offer a solution or a future course of action. “If you have concerns with my team’s actions, please bring them to me directly instead of at the managers meeting – that way I can look into the issue more closely before responding.”
This shows you’ve thought about how to deal with the problem while directing attention away from the name-calling and towards the bigger issue: how to properly handle inter-departmental disagreements.
Being the first to apologize in this way doesn’t mean putting up with continued imperialistic goonery from this other manager. I suspect you need a more in-depth conversation with your CEO about this other director’s behaviour. But that, my friend, is a topic for another day.
Edward, I hope this approach helps you out. Remember, apologizing first isn’t a show of weakness, and it doesn’t mean letting the other person have their way. Rather, it’s a strategy that can help repair and even strengthen your reputation while clearing the air for better communication down the road.
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Thanks again for joining me – I’ll see you on the next Communication Q&A!
